


In Desperation

by Rakusukira



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Eventual Romance, F/M, Falling In Love, Force Bond (Star Wars), Gen, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Love, Regret, Romance, Sex, shower
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-03-19
Packaged: 2019-03-24 08:38:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13807548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rakusukira/pseuds/Rakusukira
Summary: She was desperate for him as he was for her.





	1. Forgiveness

Rey’s mind was in chaos. But her face never gave her away. Her eyes were fixed on the bonfire where the rest of the Resistance was gathering around sharing stories of individual heroism. She wasn’t paying much attention- she hasn’t been for a while now.

It has been three months since Crait. They found refuge in one of Maz Kanata’s secret sanctuaries on Takodana, the first green planet Rey ever saw. It was the place where it all began. Her first steps.

_Him._

“Kylo Ren was an idiot.”

“It did buy us some time to escape.”

The mention of his name broke her from her trance. Her eyes searches for the mouth that echoed the name that had been haunting her mind since that fateful day.

_That’s not his name._

She kept that thought to herself, his _real_ name burning away a part of her consciousness. It’s a burn she knows she can’t recover from, inked on her soul just like the scar she gave him.

“All this time I actually thought the power of Luke Skywalker was just a myth.” Poe Dameron had that bewildered look on his face. He turns to face Leia and a grin crosses his face. “We can do this. I know we can win this fight.”

Strangely enough, the First Order has been silent. There have been no reports of military aggression on any side of the galaxy. It was true that they suffered loses on Crait, but surely not enough to disable them. The First Order can replenish at any moment if they do so wish. But it’s been three months and what was left of the Resistance remains untouched. They could find them and destroy them, it would be so easy.

_What are you planning?_

_Where are you?_

Rey follows Poe’s eyes and settles on Leia, carefully studying her expression. She looks paler than usual, the bags under her eyes giving her away. Rey wonders if Luke told Leia the whole truth.

“My brother has given us hope. It’s spreading across the galaxy like wildfire! Anything is possible at this point.” Her optimism earned her smiles and soft laughter. Rey’s attention shifted to the ground, her mind going back to the moment she fought Luke because of what she discovered.

_You failed him by thinking his choice was made! It wasn’t!_

But that’s exactly how she failed Ben, too.

\----

Rey stands up, eyes downcast and regretful. “I’ll just sit by the lake.”

The chatter in the group continues. Leia’s eyes follow her movements until she disappeares into the forest. She senses turmoil and regret on her footsteps… and an eerily familiar wave of energy that seems to shadow Rey wherever she goes.

“She’s been acting odd lately.”

Leia glances to her right and notices Finn sitting beside her. “I’ve been asking her what’s wrong. She never really answers truthfully.” She noticed the worry in his eyes, the desire to do more for his first ever friend.

“She’s been losing sleep. She’s always sitting by the lake. I feel like she’s distancing herself from us but I don’t why.” His fists clench and unclench, his lips in a fine line. Although he knew little of Rey in the short time that they’ve been together, he cares for her deeply. She had been his reason for fighting and staying.

Noticing the distraught on his face, Leia places a hand on his.

“I will talk to her.” She let a small smile grace her lips, enough to place hope in Finn’s eyes.

“I think you are the only one who can ever understand her.”

Leia finds it strange that she disagrees.

“I will try.”

\-------

He made sure to set up a new throne room. One where the walls aren’t blinding red. Anything that reminded him of that fight will have to go.

So he asks to be carved a chair out of black obsidian; gives instructions for the walls to be painted black with zig zag lines of white and white spaces. He asks for a long table to be put at the middle of the room, seven chairs surround it.

The doors to the new chambers has an emblem divided at the center.

They are not the First Order anymore.

The Empire has been reborn.

He watches the workers in silence, the bags under his eyes slowly disappearing. With his new status as the Supreme Leader, he needed to make sure he was presentable. So he forces himself to sleep at night, ignores the familiar voice at the back of his mind saying his name like prayer. He gathers the broken pieces of his heart every time he dreams of her beckoning the lightsaber…. probably to strike him with it.

_I gave up everything I had for you._

_You still wanted more._

His eyes stare intently at his new throne, the obsidian glass glistening in the light.

This is all he has now.

She put him in this position by making him choose her over Snoke even when he wasn’t ready yet. She was reckless and impulsive and so infuriatingly naïve to think he would just go with her back to his mother.

He wasn’t ready. She could not understand that.

_You were selfish._

But he regrets the way he opened her eyes to the past she always knew. His heart was in panic when he sensed her hesitation, her imminent choice which was not him. At night he dreams of gentler words spoken instead of the cold, hard truth. He wonders if it could have made a difference.

He focuses his eyes forward, the obsidian throne calls to him.

He doesn’t understand why he hesitates.

He doesn’t understand why her voice is enough to make him unsure.

\----

The door to his chambers open, revealing two storm troopers and a man clad in black clothing, donning a mask Ben knew too well.

“Supreme Leader. We have retrieved Nile Ren from his exiled planet.”

The man stepped forward and momentarily stares at Ben through his mask before dropping to one knee.

“So that’s what they call you now?” he says. He raises his head and tilts it to the side, amused. Nile noticed the maturity on his friend’s face… and the scar that didn’t used to be there.

“I never thought you could do it. I never thought this day would come.”

Ben grins, small but sincere. He takes a few steps forward  and waves his hand to dismiss everyone in the room. They all rush out leaving only the both of them—brothers through the Force.

“Stand up and throw away that mask. You won’t be needing it anymore.”

The man gestures upright, his hands press a button  at the side of his mask to unclasp it.

“Whatever happened to yours?”

He removes his mask to reveal dark brown and curly hair, green and gentle eyes. There was a weariness to his face that wasn’t there before. But Ben hasn’t seen him in three years since Snoke exiled him for being a failure of an apprentice.

He was thinner than he used to be but his face was still that of a child. Nile was the youngest of his friends—the kindest.

Ben looked at him intently, regret crawling up like a snake about to poison his heart.

“Took you long enough to find me, though.” Nile smiles and offers Ben his mask. With the use of the Force, Ben crushes it in his palm.

“I had to make sure that everyone who voted for your exile was dead.”

The pieces of his mask fall to the floor. Nile crushes a fragment with his boots.

“But you spared Hux.” He moves away from Ben and his eyes land on the obsidian throne. He grins playfully. He approaches the throne and studies it, tracing his finger on the smooth edges. He loves this color.

“We need him. For now.”

“And what of Hector?”

Ben flinches. He turns around to see Nile sitting on the throne crossed legged, an amusing grin on his face.

“I have called for Hector, he has yet to show himself.”

Nile nods in agreement. “He won’t be too happy to know that his _training_ will no longer be completed.”

There was a warning to Nile’s voice, a warning Ben knew he needed to heed.

Hector, the other successful apprentice. He was on a personal mission by Snoke that brought about his absence from the First Order for a year. Of all the friends that he brought with him from Luke’s academy, it was Hector who easily embraced the teachings of the dark side. Ben knew he had some kind of loyalty to Snoke, who made sure after he trimmed down his apprentices from six to two, that they would be trained separately.

“He is still one of us.”

Nile hated to admit it but Ben was right.

There was one thing he needed to ask, though.

“I have heard rumors back in the mines, brother. A Jedi has emerged from the desert. Bested you in battle twice.” He raises his hand and points a finger towards Ben’s face.

“They said she gave you that scar.”

Memories come flooding back into his consciousness, and he felt his mental walls momentarily weaken at the mention of her.

Nile notices the shift in his expressions and he raises a brow.

Ben carefully constructs his words. Unflinching he says, “We leave her alone. The Resistance as well. We have a bigger purpose now.”

He turns his back on Nile so he won’t see how hard he tries to swallow the lump that has formed in his throat. He tries to build up that wall again, tries his best not to call out to her. In his subconscious mind he can see the red string connecting them, tangled and troubled. He knows she’s on the other side. He knows she has been calling out to him.

_Where are you?_

“She is what’s left of Skywalker’s legacy. You are letting her walk away freely.” It was half a question, a challenge. He has been Ben’s friend for a long time, enough to be familiar of the twitching of his fingers and what it means.

_He is troubled by this girl._

Nile can sense this without using the Force.

“I have been searching the archives of the Empire for a way to solve your predicament.” Ben’s eyes meet his, worry and that familiar tinge of regret reflecting in them. Hopefully this can divert the subject of their conversation. “My research hasn’t gone far, but I promise you brother, I will heal your connection to the Force.”

There was a momentary silence between them; Nile’s gaze unfocused, there is resignation within them.

“Snoke cut my connection to the Force. I thought his death would heal it.” He rested his head against the chair. He allows the memories to wash over him.

When Snoke killed Naya because there was too much light in her. The others soon followed when they couldn’t bleed their crystal. There wasn’t much pain and anguish in their lives enough to channel the darkness they all felt within themselves. Their past wasn’t as haunted as Ben’s and Hector’s.

He recalls the moment he confronted his friend in the rain, his green lightsaber at his neck.

_“This isn’t what we followed you for Ben! I wanted you to protect this family!”_

There was fear in those eyes, he remembers. He knew Ben was trying to find a way to get them out of the situation they got themselves tangled in.

He also knew Ben wasn’t strong enough at that time… to fight for himself let alone for others.

The last thing he saw was Snoke sitting on his throne, his palm outstretched and keeping Nile afloat. The moment his ruined finger touched Nile’s forehead, he died—somewhat. Somehow it seemed that way. He had been aware of his force sensitivity since childhood. To be cut from it would be equivalent to death. He felt empty, incomplete.

When he woke up he was in the mines of an unknown planet. The isolation should have killed him emotionally and mentally. He wonders why he is still alive.

“Some nights I dream of you, Ben. But… not really. It’s you and it’s not you. It’s you with someone else’s shadow. Sometimes it recognizes me, sometimes it doesn’t. It follows you around wherever you go—like a lifeline.”

Ben is looking at him now; he tries to hide the shock in his expression. But the shudder in his breath gave it away. He thanks the stars Nile can’t read his mind. It wanders to _her_.

Always her.

She was his shadow.

His lifeline.

“I don’t have the Force anymore to read your mind but,” he picks something out from his pocket—a holo device.

Where in the mines did he get that?

Nile turns it on and the image conjured in the air was enough to shake Ben to the core.

She was running in the forest, a pistol in hand. It was footage probably from surveillance droids. He is familiar with this memory. It was the first time he met her.

“I’ve seen that shadow many times enough to recognize it. It looks just like her. The Jedi from the desert.”

He puts the holo device back into his pocket. Ben’s gaze centers on his boots, his mind was racing and his heart was frantic. There was no threat in this room, so why is he afraid?

“I promised to follow you wherever you go. That has not changed. In my dreams, the shadow was trying to help you.”

Ben scoffs at his words, and he shakes his head in disbelief.

_I’ll help you._

“She is blinded by her allegiance. She doesn’t understand anything. She only follows her instincts, right or wrong. She can’t even tell, herself!” His frustration towards her resurface like lava, boiling and fresh and hot. It burns through his very soul, warms the trail of ice on his fingers. How can something so painful come with such tenderness?

But that is all that will ever be. Frustration.

Never anger.

No, never anger.

A huge grin crosses Nile’s face and he lets out a soft laugh. He truly can’t believe this day has come.

“I want to meet her.”

Their eyes lock in understanding.

“I want to meet the girl that has marked you as hers.”

\-----

She feels the tug, the pull of the bond, and her heart beats frantic in her chest.

Rey was among the Resistance as they discuss their next plans. Leia was standing near the big holo screen explaining the plans that Poe had outlined. It was a supply run somewhere in Chandrila. Coincidentally, allies of the outer rim were forced to be station back there to protect the last remaining fortress of the Republic.

What remains of the Senate was there. They have summoned Leia and sought an audience with her. Rey knows why. The rumors have already spread throughout the galaxy.

Luke Skywalker died a hero.

He was killed by Kylo Ren on Crait.

Kylo Ren was Ben Solo.

It caused an uproar among the politically powerful on Chandrila. When she would meditate and reach out through the Force, she could feel their unrest, their prejudice, towards the General.

They feared her.

They feared her family.

They feared the blood that runs through her veins.

Rey should have been afraid, instead she feels the pain and rejection of her peers. She feels Ben’s disdain through the bond. It crushes her very soul, brittle as it already is.

The tug is followed by the silence of her surroundings. But it’s not quite there. He’s not quite here. It’s been like this for months now. He doesn’t show himself, just lets her feel he is still alive, somewhere. She feels his energy embrace her, feels the ghost of his warmth around her fingers.

_I want to see you._

There was no response, and the noise of the world comes back to her.

Those few minutes left her breathless, her fingers shaking at her sides.

“Rey.”

Her attention snapped back at Leia who was now looking at her with questioning eyes.

“Yes?” was all she could mutter.

“You will come with me to Chandrila. Your presence has been requested as well.”

The surprise was evident on her face but she quickly hid it away, her lips forming a fine line.

She forgot that one of the rumors spreading across the galaxy was about her.

Luke Skywalker’s legacy. The Last Jedi.

She felt sick.

\---

“Can I come?”

Finn’s voice startled her but it was a welcoming one. She turns her head to the side and sees Finn fighting his way to the front of the crowd and beside her.

“Finn.”

She saw the look of worry painted on his face. All that emotion just for her. She has been keeping her distance from him and from everyone, really. Rey had not mentioned to him what happened on Ach-to with Luke… and on the _Supremacy_ with Ben.

If he only knew.

But he would never understand.

“I want to go with Rey. I think she needs a chaperon. Chewie needs a break, anyway.”

This is the first time she has smiled in weeks. It was her turn to feel so much emotion for him. She has no idea how to express it so she grips his hand in agreement.

The triumph Finn feels make him smile back at her.

“You’re needed here since I’m coming along with them.”

Their shared happiness was quickly ruined with Poe’s remark.

“I’m leaving you in charge here while we are away. Once we get into an agreement with the Senate, we can base their permanently as a part of the Republic Fleet. That’s the plan.”

Finn feels the urge to disagree. “Connix is more fitting for that role, Poe. Let me come along. I know Rey would want that.”

His eyes were pleading. There was an urgency in his voice that Poe can’t quite grasp. But he looks at Rey then at Finn and sighs heavily.

“All right, fine. Connix stays then.”

\---

“Why do they want to see me?”

Rey and Leia sat near the lake, their eyes fixed on the setting sun. The view seemed to put the older woman in a trance, a small smile on her lips. A memory was playing in her mind—binary sunsets.

“They want to see the face of the person who killed the Supreme Leader,” was her answer. If the choice was all on her, she would not have Rey come with her. She knew all too well what they want from her. She knew all too well they would use her. If only the Resistance had enough firepower to stand on their own two feet, but they don’t. It was the fate of the galaxy over the welfare of an orphan.

“They’re not afraid of me? Of my power?”

Leia understands the implication.

Rey presses on. “They will condemn you, your son. They fear the blood that runs through your veins. They don’t fear me because I’m insignificant. I have no familial legacy to protect.”

Her grip tightens on her staff. She fights to keep the tears from falling. “You’re taking me with you so you can show them you are in possession of something similarly powerful that could shift the tide of the war.”

She fights to keep her voice from cracking.

But she can’t keep her frustrations at bay.

She just can’t.

Not when it involves _him._

“You’re waving me around proudly. But Ben…”

Rey swallows hard and stands up. She thinks she can break her staff just by her grip.

Leia is silent. Rey looks down at her, this time her tears fall silently. “You were afraid of him. You sent him away.”

She remembers his eyes, his touch, his hand reaching out to her.

_Please…_

“It wasn’t Snoke who pushed him to the edge! It was Luke! You knew, didn’t you? And you did nothing!”

Rey doesn’t understand where this courage is coming from. She feels so angry, so lonely. She hasn’t seen him in three months and she hates the feeling of reaching out to his silence. She wants someone to blame, someone that’s not herself. She wants to scream and shout and lash out and cut down those emotionless trees.

She wants to vent.

She wants to see him.

She wants to apologize to him… because she pushed him too. She was the one who put him on that throne by leaving him. But what other choice could she have made?

_Ben…_

She turns away from Leia, shame finally creeping in her heart. Her eyes close shut, her other hand clenching painfully.

She lets herself hear his voice, a voice she has stored at the back of her mind. Hidden and untouched. She decided she would keep it for the rest of her life.

_You’re not alone._

\----

Warm arms pull Rey to a gentle embrace. She felt tears, heavy and warm, at the back of her shirt. Leia hands caress her arms, and it was supposed to soothe her but Rey just breaks down. Her staff falls to the ground.

She thinks Leia must find it strange how she could show such attachment to a man she barely knew.

“There are many things I regret in this lifetime, Rey. Most of them are about my son.”

She placed a soft kiss on her shaking back and pressed her cheek gently there.

“I wish I had the strength to accept my past when it mattered. I wish I had the courage to be proud of who I really am—of the family that gave birth to me.”

_You’re nothing. But not to me._

He was so insistent on killing his past. Meanwhile, Rey had no past. It makes her think he must’ve been jealous of that part of her. He’s out there trying to prove his place in the galaxy, a place dictated by the importance of his bloodline. She’s out here trying to find a place in the galaxy, which will be dictated by her choices.

“I don’t want to loose you too, Rey. I want to make it right with you. I’m tied to something that will always prevent me from choosing my son. But you are not tied to anything.”

Rey shifts to look at Leia. Warm hands cup her small, young face. “I don’t know what happened between you and my son that caused this profound change of heart inside of you, but I am so happy.”

Rey could see every detail of her face. The dark circles on her eyes, the wrinkles of age, the sincerity of her gaze. They were striking and beautiful and gentle and… so much like Ben.

Leia’s thumb brushes her cheek. “I am so happy to know you stood up for him when no one else could.”

It was Rey’s turn to reach out a hand to wipe away her tears. Leia leans on to her touch in a way that breaks Rey’s heart.

“When the time comes I know you will make the right choice, Rey. But for you to do that, you have to understand those choices and what they mean. The consequences and ripples they will create.”

Rey pulls her to an embrace. She realizes how strong this woman truly is, heart and soul. Understanding finally dawns on her.

She recalls the moment she flew to him without a plan in mind. When he chose her over Snoke, she could not understand the ripples that came with his choice. She acted on instinct and it caused them. She could not follow through and could not choose him.

_I’m sorry…_

\----

She finds herself in an unfamiliar ‘fresher with black tiles. The water pouring on her naked body was too warm for her liking. She usually doesn’t make it _this_ warm. Years in the Jakku desert made her crave for cold water.

She takes a look at her reflection through the black tiles and gasps when she sees someone behind her.

Large hands snake themselves around her waist, to the flat planes of her stomach, and she inhales sharply. Electricity lights up her senses and every cell in her body comes alive at his touch.

It was not the water that was warm. It was her body.

She feels a breath just below her ear and it was enough to make her moan. Those large hands continue their exploration as one creeps slowly up to her breasts, teasingly swiping the hard nipple. She feels herself being pulled back and she lands on a broad chest, warm and strong and familiar. Another hand travels down, putting pressure on the curls of hair and the  crisp sound makes her shiver.

She feels so warm now, so slick. She presses her thighs together to suppress the overwhelming emotions of his touch but when his finger found their way to her core, her knees weakened. She arched her back and she could feel his arousal pressing  behind her.

_Where am I?_

Holding her breath, she turns around. She feels the pressure of his hands gone but she has to know who they belong to.

She finds her back against cold wall. The sight before her steals her breath away.

Strong body, dark wavy hair, hungry eyes.

The look on his face matched hers. Shock and desire and longing mixed altogether. He had a questioning look on his face, his mouth slightly open and inviting.

“Ben?”

He stills before her with eyes in disbelief at her presence in his 'fresher. She notices the trembling of his fingers. She feels him holding back on his desire for her; the desire to touch and worship her body.

The hesitation pains her.

His lack of control over his feelings excite the animal hidden away in the depths of her mind. Surely he knows he can't hide anything from her, not when they are this close and bare and naked before one another. 

The minutes of silence was almost unbearable; the sound of the water hitting their bodies and the ground the only bridge between them. He motions to speak but it gets stuck on his throat, and he recoils. There is nothing but defeat and resignation dangling on his lips, words he can't afford to tell her out of his pride. 

Her heart breaks and breaks at the prolonged lack of contact… so she reaches out to him. Her hands settles themselves on his chest, the heat of their touch once again igniting flames they never knew existed. She rests her forehead near his heartbeat. It was erratic and wild, almost in contrast to the expression he is wearing right now. It's been three months, she counted. It's been three months since that day. She finds her words stuck at her throat as well. It was not because of pride, but because of fear.

She doesn't want to drive him away.

_Don't go. Please don't go._

Ben hears her plea. It was the very same plea he keeps hearing at the back of his mind when his thoughts linger on her. It was the same plea he saw in her memories when she begged her parents not to leave her. She lets that memory pass between them. She lets her feelings flow though this strange bond that they have. He feels her heart cripple at the thought of being alone and it was all it takes to sway him- just like the first time they touched.

He grips her shoulders and presses her back gently to the wall. She was about to protest but the assault of his hands on her body made her choke. They were everywhere and all at once before they settled to where they were minutes ago. One hand on her breast, the fingers of the other pumping inside of her. The urgency makes her lose balance and she grips his shoulders for support.

He showers her neck with generous kisses. His tongue lingering just below her jaw. He licks her tears, kisses the bridge of her nose, bites her ear. 

She finds she can’t close her mouth as the pressure builds up inside of her.

She finds her hips meeting his fingers with such fervor.

She can’t breath. She’s too hot right now. She’s gasping every time he hits a nerve.

_What is this? Where am I?_

She still can't understand but she holds on to him, desperate for release. 

“Rey…”

Their eyes meet and they hold on to it. She could see the desperation on his face, his eyes a little red. There was an unbearable pain in his gaze that leeched its way to her own.

Her heart breaks again.

_Make it stop. Make the pain stop._

“Are you real?” his voice cracksand it was enough to crush her heart.

_I have so much to tell you._

_I’m sorry._

_Please don’t hate me._

She gathers his face between her hands, her thumb tracing the cheek where she had marked him. This was confirmation enough for him that she was real.

So his fingers go deeper, faster. Her toes were tingling, her body shaking in his embrace.

She lunges forward to do something she has only dreamed of doing. She wants to kiss him.

She feels her lips crush his.

And he was gone.

\----

Rey wakes up with a jolt, she was panting, her arms around herself. She runs a hand through her hair and looks around.

She’s not in a ‘fresher. She’s not naked.

She’s in her room on the Falcon.

Ben’s not here.

She runs her hands on her body, trying to hold on to the ghost of his touch.

It was his dream, his imagination.

\----

Ben placed a hand on his face, realizing what he had just done. The cold water of the ‘fresher tries to cool his warm body.

His fingers lingered on his lips. She kissed him. Out of her own will.

What just happened?

The smell of her lingers and it's too much. It was too real not to be. 

"Rey..."

 


	2. Old Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old friends reunite.

**Chapter 2: Old Friends**

 

A gust of wind disturbed her silent reprieve near the lake she was now so fond of looking at. Rey tilted her head up and saw a familiar ship trying to make a landing. She knew who this belonged too.

_Maz…_

The whole time the Resistance was hiding on Takodana, Maz’s presence wasn’t felt. She was out on different missions unrelated to the war, or so she explained to Rey via a holovid she sent a couple of weeks back. It almost felt like a lifetime ago when she first met the strange force-sensitive creature. Her words never left Rey’s mind.

_You already know the truth._

The dock opened and Rey ran up to greet her. Their embrace was very similar to a dream Rey had when she was a child, of an imaginary older sister, someone she had conjured in her thoughts to fight the lonely days in the desert. The embrace was gentle and warm. She could feel the flow of their shared energy running back and forth between them.

It reminded her of the time he touched her hand, how the energy that flowed between them was not at all gentle. It was a raging fire ready to consume them if they weren’t careful.

And true enough, she was consumed.

 “I’m glad you’re back, Maz.” She pulls herself back and gave Maz a weak and weary smile, something she has been putting on her face for the last few months that were filled with exhaustion and frustration. Maz gave the child a knowing look, eyes filled with understanding and sincerity.  

“I’m glad you’re safe, Rey.”

\---

Maz’s arrival was greeted with a celebration. Everyone was already half drunk, or dancing, or laughing. Finn and Rose were swaying together near the bonfire, they were bickering, and it was oddly adorable. Rey was sitting just across them. She held in her hands a cup of Corellian whiskey which Poe managed to convince her to try. She hardly did. The smell was intolerable.

Poe looked so awkward talking to Connix, they were in a corner away from the crowd. His hands kept on fumbling with his hair and Connix was leaning against a log, her arms crossed and her face a little bit disappointed. A blush crept to his cheeks at something she just said.

Leia wasn’t around, Rey noticed.

She closed her eyes and tried to feel Leia’s presence through the Force. Rey saw a figure lying asleep in one of the rooms of the Falcon. The blankets covered her fully and Rey could sense the fatigue in the older woman’s energy. She thought about going to her, but when the realization came in that Leia was sleeping inside what used to be _Han’s_ bunk, she decided it would be best to leave her alone.

That makes two of them longing for the ghost of someone’s touch.

\---

How long has it been since she had that dream about him?

No. She _has_ been dreaming about him since that day.

Ah, _yes_. Two weeks, she counted.

Sometimes when her mind is unfocused, she could feel his breath below her ear. When the loneliness can break through her walls at night, she could feel his hands on her skin, and they always found a way under the thin fabric of her sleep clothes. She could feel the dig of his nails, the reaction of her breasts when his palm would knead them with an urgency unmatched. Their limbs were tangled in sweat and lust. He would moan and she would plead for more. Every touch was desperate and wanting.  Her favorite part about those dreams is when he licks his way from her neck to her navel.  It would leave a trail of sparks on her skin, awakening her deepest, darkest desires.

Rey knew she should feel ashamed or embarrassed, or anything that would make her _despise_ those dreams. But the woman in those fantasies would writhe under his touch. It would reach a tipping point the moment he says her name.

Maybe these feelings belong to him. These were _his_ dreams, after all. It can’t be hers. These were his dreams leaking to her side of the bond, which only means this connection between them is stronger now more than ever.

Since when did she feel this way about him? The fact that she _acknowledged_ feeling something about him was equally disturbing as when it started. What’s more disturbing, though, is the sexual nature of these feelings.

_The whiskey._

It _must_ be the whiskey.

Had she taken his hand in that moment, these dreams could have been memories—real ones.

\-----

Rey stood up and excused herself from the crowd when Finn was just about to ask her to dance with him. He frowned and tried to search her eyes for an explanation. She looked away, eyes focused on the ground.

“Where are you going?” He asked.

Rey was unsure and the look of concern in his eyes made her think twice about lying to him. “Just by the lake,” was the first thing that came to mind. “I need… space.”

It was a bad excuse, one that can’t really convince anyone.

He gabbed her wrist before she could turn away. “Hey… are you okay?”

She turned around to look at him and quickly plastered on her face that weary smile she has grown accustomed to using whenever that question was thrown at her. How could she tell him? She wants to tell him everything. She wants him, her _best friend_ , to know about the strange things happening to her.  

_The Force has fucked up my life. I tried to save the enemy and my actions led him to the throne. I dream of this man every night. In those dreams he loves me… and I love him._

“Finn…” she says. “I’m fine. I’m just a little tired, that’s all.”

Before Finn could say anything else, Rey took long strides away from them, her glass of whiskey spilled on the ground. He noticed the disturbed look on her face just before she walked away. As much as he wanted to figure her out, Rey was a difficult read. 

“Is she okay?” Rose was behind him and saw everything. Finn only shook his head.

 “I hope so…”

\----

Her footsteps led her to the lake once again. The moment she laid eyes on it, a wave of stability hit her. The beating of her heart became louder in her ears and she began to count each beat. The lake was now as dark as the night, with the moon’s reflection the only light she could see.

_There is light in the darkness._

_One cannot be without the other._

These were the striking lines she read on the Jedi texts that she stole from Ach-to. They were vague to her understanding, but she rationalized to herself that, if Ben was the manifestation of darkness and she the light, killing each other will never be the solution to bringing balance.

She looked at the hand that had reached out to him, studied her fingers, her palm. A thought escaped her mind and she was surprised at herself for thinking about it. To reach out to him in such a lonely hour, it wouldn’t be the first time. She had done it before and he responded with a tenderness that was hard to associate with a villain—but the truth about his heart is something she can no longer ignore. There was tenderness and… there will always be turmoil.

Rey reminded herself it was also the same hand that used the Force to fight for his heirloom… and she wondered if he would ever reach back for her now that the fragile trust that was momentarily forged between them is now broken.

“You’re here again.”

Rey turned around in surprise, the voice breaking her from her train of thought.

 It was Maz.

She walked towards Rey, her hands folded behind her. She halted a few feet away just enough to study how much Rey had changed over the course of a few months. Her hair was down, no more buns at all. When Maz met her, she was a wide-eyed girl ready to uncover the truths of the world. Now that Rey has uncovered the truth and the _lies_ , the naivety was gone.

_Regret._

It was all over her face.

Maz fumbles with her spectacles, zoomed in, zoomed out. The first time Rey saw her do this, she thought it was to magnify people’s faces and scrutinize every muscle movement of expression. It was only now that Rey realized Maz was trying to magnify her soul. She fidgets uncomfortably, worried about what Maz might end up seeing. She knew her own soul was tethered to someone. She didn’t want her to see that.

“You’ve become strong over such a short period of time. Your strength must overwhelm you.” She gave her a soft smile and motioned for Rey to look at the sky.

The stars were beautiful on Takodana, Rey was convinced about that. She remembered her childhood dream of wanting to become a pilot so she could be with stars. Her attachment to a lie made her waste the years where she could have become one had she left Jakku.

Her attachment to a lie made her waste the years where she could have… met him earlier… stopped his fall… prevented all of this from happening.

_Would it have changed everything… if we found each other before all of this happened?_

There was a sudden silence, heavy and palpable. Rey could taste the irony of it all. It was bitter on her tongue. So many possibilities… so many wasted chances.

Maz walked past her and let out a heavy sigh. She could sense another presence among them, dark and heavy and… it was clinging to Rey like a lifeline. It was like listening to two beating hearts stuck in one body, their beat not in synch.

“I thought I saw a shadow of a familiar person running towards here. Dark and tall, hunched shoulders, and always brooding. I panicked and followed it.”

It’s like switch flipped in Rey’s mind, a fleeting but frightening thought.

Maz continued to speak. “I saw the boy that was lost to the darkness… then I saw you, standing here. I was relieved for a moment, I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.”

Rey stood still, lips slightly parted, as she tried to absorb everything Maz was saying.

_She knows! She could see him… feel him._

Then Maz said something that made Rey’s heart sink to the pit of her stomach.

“You’re connected to him, tethered forever, in an unbreakable bond. The Force has willed it.” There was no judgement in her voice, just utter amazement, bewildered, even.

She took a step towards Rey and fumbled with her spectacles again.

Rey felt herself panic at her approach and took a step back. Her fingers trembled, and she bit her lip trying to conceal the dread that was now crawling its way up to her heart. She had not thought about what would happen if her friends found out about her strange connection to the new Supreme Leader of the First Order.

Will they hate her?

Will Finn hate her?

They would probably dump her on some desolate planet and rightfully so. Her connection with Ben remains to be a danger to the Resistance. He would destroy them like he promised he would. Maz would tell them her secret and Rey would be forced to run away in self defense. They could even kill her if they wanted. She hasn’t been here long enough to form any attachments to them outside of Finn.

“What do you mean?” was all she could say.

The lump on her throat was getting too hard to swallow.

 “You can’t hide it from people like us. His energy is all over you, like an embrace, warm and protective. I don’t sense any form of hatred or anger. But I can sense his longing… because it is yours as well.”

Rey’s heartbeat became erratic. She thought about running away and taking the Falcon with her. Maybe she could try to go back to Ach-to and live her life a hermit like what Luke did. There, she wouldn’t be a danger to anyone.

There, no one would try to take this connection away from her.

“Leia must not be telling you anything. Or maybe she enjoys feeling the presence of her son in you.”

_There are many things I regret in this lifetime, Rey._

That was all it took, the mention of him, to make tears form in her eyes. It was like a trigger to insanity. But he was a trigger to so many strange emotions within her. Pain. Longing. Hunger. Sadness. Lust.

But right now, it triggered the pain—it was almost always the pain.

“I have heard stories about the Force connecting people. Master and apprentice. Brother and sister.” Maz stretched a hand towards Rey. “And now, light and darkness.”

_Darkness rises, and light to meet it._

“But underneath it all, if you strip away all allegiances… the light, the darkness, the Resistance, the First Order, if you take them all away…”

Maz looked at her, her own eyes brimming with tears at a realization that was as painful as death.

“If you take them all away, there’s just you, Rey… and—”

“Ben…” Rey finished. The tears she held back fell helplessly from her eyes. They were cold on her cheeks. She lowered herself to her knees slowly to look at Maz, there was desperation in every quiet sob she made. Alone… she felt so alone. Even if she has him this way, she doesn’t truly have him. She always wanted something, someone, to call her own… but even that is as hard and difficult as surviving this war.

“I don’t know what to do with this. I don’t know why this is happening.” She pleaded the Force to end her agony, to end her pain.

To bring him to her.

To be free of this connection?

No.

The pain would only worsen. There would be a gaping hole and she would never recover from it—he would never recover from it! He would fall further and deeper into the darkness, she knew this. She could feel his grip on the light she has shown him.

 “You do, Rey. You know exactly why the Force is connecting both of you. Listen to it. Heed its call.”

Rey took in a sharp breath. The memory of their brief alliance flashed before her very eyes. Through their bond he was telling her how to fight together with him. They danced perfectly in rhythm. And when she was in a pinch, he would look at her and she felt the saber guide her every strike.

_You need a teacher!_

And although she rejected his offer of wisdom on Starkiller Base, she was very much his student nonetheless. She was powerful because of him. He unlocked the doors of her mind the moment they accidentally forged this connection. His training became hers. Her past became his memories.

 “I did! Or at least, I thought I did. I came to him on the _Supremacy_. I was there to take him back! When he killed Snoke instead of me, I thought he made his choice!” Her voice cracked as she tried to keep herself together. Maz listened, patiently she listened.

“I thought it would be easy for him to just walk away from everything if he saw that I still believed in him. I was wrong.” She closed her eyes and saw him looking over at Snoke’s dead body. That was the moment she felt something was amiss. He should have triumphed at the death of his manipulator, should have fled once he realized he was free. But he didn’t. He remained in that cage no longer a prisoner, but a ruler.

“He said he wanted to kill the past, but I could still feel how trapped he is by it. That if I stayed with him, I would be trapped as well.” He opened her up to the truth she has always known. His intentions were clear. He wanted to sever whatever dependence she had of the parents who left her to die.

He wanted her to depend on him instead.

He wanted her to turn to him and leave everything behind.

But she did exactly that! Did he fail to see? She confronted Luke for _him_! She left the island to go to _him_! The vision of his future, of _their_ future, was enough for her to leave everything behind.

_If only I… I could have done differently. But my friends… they were in trouble and … there was no time to talk to you…_

_If only there was another place… not the Resistance… not the First Order…_

“Rey…” Maz tilted her chin and their eyes locked. “The first steps are always the hardest to take… but he has taken them for _you_. You have set in motion a chain of events neither of you can escape from anymore.”

If there was a way to correct this… if there was a way to compromise…

“See it through or else he will be lost forever.”

That scared her, that he would be unreachable and lost. But he can’t be lost to her—not when their souls are tethered.

He would always find her.

She would always find him.

 “See it through… or you may never have that chance again.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

“So you can lift rocks?”

A younger Nile, no older than 11 years old, quickly dropped his hand to his sides; the rocks he was levitating fell unceremoniously to the ground. The blonde boy turned around, lips in a pout, his facial expression filled with mischievous glee.

_Ah... This dream again._

It was tea time back in his house and he had this very fun idea of escaping into the forest to practice lifting rocks. It was only last year that he discovered this strange power, it was his tenth birthday. He loved this spot. There was a small waterfall in the middle of the forest, one where purple flowers colored the ground. Naboo was rich with luscious sceneries like this. It was here that he could play around with this—t _he Force—_ he recalled his mother saying.

“Who are you?”

It was a boy, maybe a few years older than him. He had raven, dark hair, and brown, intense eyes. He was tall and skinny but he stood with a certain pride that made Nile think the boy was from a privileged family—just like him.

The boy smiled, and the first thing Nile noticed was the sincerity in his eyes.

“I’m Ben. I sensed you the moment we entered this planet. That’s how I found you here.” Ben walked towards where the small rocks fell and motioned his hand. To Nile’s amazement, the rocks lifted, and it swirled gracefully just above Ben’s palm.

“You can do that too?” His face was filled with joyous excitement. He hasn’t known anyone else in all of Naboo that was just like himself. Finally, he wasn’t alone.

“You’re very famous here,” Ben said. He fixed his gaze on the younger boy whose eyes were beaming. “They’re not afraid of your power.”

Nile looked at him with a puzzled look. “Afraid? Why would they be afraid? I’m not going to hurt anyone.” He saw Ben’s smile fade as he slowly released the rocks to the ground.

“Exactly…”

_If only… we could go back…_

“Nile!” a woman’s voice echoed in the forest. It was Nile’s mother. He ran to embrace her; Ben’s eyes followed his movements. Standing beside the woman was Uncle Luke, in his white robes, and wearing a smile on his face.

Nile looked back at Ben and saw the sorrow reflected on the slump of his shoulders.

_If only I could have stopped it…_

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

The sound of his name woke Nile from his sleep. He blinked away the tiredness from his eyes and focused his gaze. He was strapped in a chair and they were _still_ in transit. Ben was sitting just across him, also strapped in a chair, arms folded in front of him. This was a new kind of First Order transport ship, one that didn’t scream _First Order_ , or else they would be shot down the moment they enter Yavin 4’s orbit. The place was still very much loyal to the Republic, thinking Ben was crazy when he said they were visiting a friend there.

Luckily their ship hasn’t been shot down yet. They had no escorts. It was just the two of them… and two pilots. This was a suicide mission, Nile thought.

“Remind me again why we’re doing this.” He was annoyed, feet tapping, and arms crossed.

Ben sighed.

“We need a new General to replace Hux.” Ben said flatly.

Nile raised a brow. “Why don’t we just kill him?”

If only it were that simple.

“The patrons are loyal to him, you know that. He _owns_ the army. We need to find someone who can take away their loyalty from him.”

Someone who is more cunning than Hux? Where in the world would they find one?

Nile wished that person won’t be the same monster Hux is.

“He presented an economic plan yesterday with the patrons. I didn’t like it and I sensed there were reservations among the crowd.”

Nile cocked his head in curiosity. “What was it about?”

Ben scoffed as he remembered. “More Starkiller bases, military movements on uncooperative systems. He wants me to rule corpses and dead planets.”

“But you and Snoke destroyed the Hosnian system.”

“I didn’t approve it.”

Nile searched Ben’s eyes, but he couldn’t find any deceit in them. He remembered the boy who found him on Naboo, the boy he idolized when they were just Padawans on Luke’s academy. Even then, Ben was philosophical and very physically gifted. But he was intimidating and preferred to train alone. He was an introvert, but his ideas and philosophies captured the attention of the friends who eventually followed him after Luke’s betrayal. It was only fitting for them to follow Ben, as they also possessed a dark nature they never truly shared to Luke.

Nile remembered the very first time Ben killed someone.

He would never forget the look of horror and dread on his friend’s face.

“I thought you wanted to destroy the Resistance.”

This seemed to capture Ben’s full attention.

“I already destroyed them. A dozen people won’t be a match for our army.”

There was a minute of silence, then Nile spoke, almost in a whisper. “What about the girl?”

He can’t deny his resentment towards the Jedi and their old ways after what happened with Ben and Luke. That betrayal shook him as it did Ben. Luke Skywalker was a man who many believed could do no wrong. But he tried to murder his nephew in his sleep… and the world still blamed the child.

If this girl, the Jedi from the desert, was anything like the Jedi of the old ways, Nile would personally dispose of her.

_Rey of Jakku._

“She is not a Jedi, never trained as one. Her powers have no boundaries because she doesn’t know that there needs to be boundaries. She treads between the light and the dark, anything just to ensure her survival.”

Nile narrowed his gaze as he listened carefully to his friend.

There was a bit of pride in Ben’s voice as he described the girl. It was unsettling.

“If you engage her in your condition, you will not survive. She will not hesitate to kill you.”

Nile was reminded of his disconnect to the Force, his punishment from Snoke.

They sat in silence the rest of the trip. When the ship finally landed, Nile was utterly surprised at what he saw. They landed on what looked like a military base, a factory, he wasn’t sure. There were pilots and ground troops tinkering with their ships, their weapons. He noticed a dozen x-wings docked, but they were not painted with the colors of the Republic. They had a grayish-blue shade to them, and they looked larger than the standard x-wings. He noticed a flag at the center of the hangar, an unfamiliar symbol was painted on it.

They were greeted by two men the moment they stepped out of the ship. “The mistress has been expecting you, Supreme Leader.”

They led them deeper into the base and Nile can’t help but wonder how a secret organization like this can own such firepower. The base was heavily armored and well maintained, there were quite many troops working inside of it. They weren’t wearing any uniforms, no allegiances, and Nile suspects that the symbol he saw painted on the flag was a family crest.

This was a personal army.

They stopped in front of a huge metal door and it opened with the tap of an ID card. The men motioned for Ben and Nile to enter the doors as they remained outside. The room was like a bridge of a ship, but no one was sitting on designated spots. It was dimly lit, the main light coming a little further into the room. Ben walked past Nile, following where the light came from.

“You know you’re not welcome here, Kylo Ren.”

A woman’s voice, stern but soft, echoed in the room. She was standing near the glass panes, watching the hangar below.

Ben took a step forward. “I didn’t come here as Kylo Ren, but as Ben Solo.”

How long has it been since Nile heard Ben say his own name? Years. It had been years. This woman knows him.

She didn’t move nor did he turn around to face him.

“So it’s true. Ben Solo and Kylo Ren are one and the same.”

Nile swore he heard disappointment in her voice.

Slowly, the woman faced them. Auburn hair, emerald eyes, porcelain skin. She was royalty, Nile could sense. The way she stood, her chin up and proud, the way her hair was combed, and the way her clothes were fashioned, this woman wasn’t an ordinary mercenary.

She was beautiful, Nile thought.

Ben was the first to break the silence. “So you retreated your men here on Yavin, in your father’s old artillery base, after the fall out.” It wasn’t a question. The woman seemed to flinch. “You’re banned from ever going back to Chandrila. Now a cast away—like me.”

She sneered at him. “The Senate thought my efforts to engage in talks with the First Order were traitorous. You’d be surprised to see what’s left of the Senate after Hosnian Prime.”

“I didn’t order the destruction of Hosnian Prime. Snoke did.” He sounded defensive but kept his voice flat.

“So you led the Jedi to Snoke to kill him and take his place? Very tactical, I must say.”

News of Snoke’s death rippled throughout the galaxy like blazing fire… and so did Rey’s reputation as the galaxy’s new hero—the heir to Luke Skywalker.

Her eyes drifted momentarily to Nile who was standing beside Ben, her soft gaze startling him. There was a strange wave of energy about this woman, Nile can’t seem to identify what it was.

“Hannah.”

The mention of her name from his lips sent a shiver to her spine.

It’s been so long.

“I need your help.” Ben took a step closer, towering over Hannah, his gaze piercing through her walls.

Something snapped inside of her, there was a lump in her throat she couldn’t swallow.

“I thought you died,” she said, her voice a whisper, relief washed over her face.

“I might as well have, after all that has happened.” He looked past her, towards the glass pane, memories resurfacing from the grave. She took a step back to inspect him fully, his face, his height, his body, his stance. The lonely boy who couldn’t hurt anyone is now the Supreme Leader. She knew of the blood in his hands from stories about Kylo Ren. But it was so hard to believe that underneath the menacing mask she saw on the holos, Ben was behind it.

_Sixteen years…_

“The blueprint for the peace treaty you presented to the Senate, I saw it. I had a spy recover it for me when you left Chandrila.”

Ah. The reason for her banishment from the Senate.

“I think it’s brilliant.”

His praise startled her, a realization striking through. She eyed him and somehow, she knew why he was here.

That boy she used to play with in her room, the boy who kept waking up to bad dreams, was now gone. Right in front of her was a man who had ambitions for the galaxy, much like her. She knew this war needed to end for the killings to stop.

“If you join me, I will realize those plans for you.”

\----------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Here is my chapter 2! Sorry for the lack of Reylo interactions. Next chapter will be full of it, I promise.


	3. Divided Sides

**Chapter 3: Divided Sides**

It was a horrible day, Rey thought. She sat up on bed, curled her knees towards her and hid her face. The meeting with the Senate that morning revealed many truths to her, faltering the false hopes she held on to for quite a while now.

_Leia…_

\------

Leia wasn’t well received, no one was surprised. She was asked to explain the phenomenon that was Kylo Ren, now revealed to be her long-lost son. Her mouth went dry, and really, there were no words to defend his honor, or her family’s honor.

Han’s death, the escape from D’Qar, the destruction of the Dreadnought, General Holdo and the Raddus; Leia told them everything and Poe filled in the other details.

They were impressed by him, Rey could tell. They praised his bravery when he led the bomber squad, and it irked her. She heard from Finn how Leia was disappointed in Poe leading his squad to death’s door despite orders to retreat. But the victorious grin on the pilot’s face when his efforts were recognized by the Senate made Leia sigh.

They interrogated Finn as well, there was a curiosity more towards his origins than his acts of bravery. This was a man who grew up with the First Order, one who was familiar with it from the inside. They could use him, he would be the perfect spy.

Then there was this woman, seated at the center of the table, who was quiet the whole time. Short hair, dark eyes, a well-defined jaw; she was very intimidating. It wasn’t long before the end of the meeting Rey noticed the woman was staring at her, with a curious, almost deadly gaze.

There was a danger to her eyes, Rey felt it. The Force made her feel it.

“And you--,” the woman finally spoke, regarding Rey with a nod, “—the Jedi from the desert. What’s your story?”

There was a wicked smile at the corner of her lips, as she waited for Rey to respond.

Rey introduced herself and narrated her story from the beginning, meeting Finn and Han, destroying Starkiller, the search for Luke Skywalker and her eventual victory against Snoke. She had to lie about the last part, telling her she was captured by the First Order on the island where she found Luke, and that was how she found herself on the _Supremacy_.

It was convincing enough, she thought.

“So you killed Snoke but couldn’t kill Kylo Ren.” It was not a question for clarification, it was a statement. Rey wasn’t so sure if she was being led to a trap, but her instincts told her that anymore conversations related to Kylo— _Ben—_ would be used against her.

“He’s more powerful than you know, powerful than Snoke.” She said that with a conviction that made the other people in the room whisper to each other in fear.

“Tell me, _Rey_. Did you know that the General was related to the man in the mask?” The woman’s grin grew wider.

This was a trap!

Rey looked at Leia whose gaze was unfaltering.

_Be strong._

“No. I didn’t,” Rey said flatly.

The woman shrugged her shoulders. “Apparently, all of her subordinates didn’t know either.”

That was it. Rey was infuriated. She stood up from her seat, alarming Leia and Finn. Ben made his choices and they were bad ones, and of course he is Leia’s son, but undermining Leia’s efforts against Snoke, losing Han most of all, was just crossing the line.

Rey spoke with a poison in her voice. “Are you insinuating that the General purposely let her own army dwindle in favor of her son? She stood up against the First Order whilst the Republic remained blind. Don’t blame your inactions and the consequences of them, on Leia.”

There were whispers now, and Rey couldn’t believe the bravery she had just shown. Her fists tightened, and she tried to calm her breathing. Finn was fidgeting on his seat, Poe had a hand on his mouth. When Rey looked at Leia, there was a smile on her face, eyes brimming with tears.

_Thank you._

The woman stood up from her seat, her hands folded behind her. “On the contrary, we are very thankful for the General and her independent spirit. Because of the persistence of her _personal_ army, the Republic has had enough time to regroup its military power.”

There it is again, that deadly gaze, and it was focused on _Rey_.

“I’m honored to receive your recognition, Reina.” Leia smirked. “But tell me, how will the Republic fleet function without a quarter of its manpower? I heard you kicked out Lady Asioche from Chandrila. Her family has been a patron of the military for _years_. Some soldiers are loyal to her family.”

Reina’s ears tingled at the mention of that name. Her brows furrowed. “Hannah has proven to be uncooperative with our military plans. The loss of her men and her firepower is not that much of a loss as you seem to think.”

Rey looked lost with all the military talk. But she couldn’t help but notice how uncomfortable Reina looked while talking about Lady Asioche—whoever she is.

“The Republic will be welcoming your men into our army, as a sign of gratitude. Together, we will burn the First Order down.” Slowly, she sat down, her elbows rested on the table, both hands clasped.

Rey could feel a shift in the Force, a dark intent.

“But remember this, General. The fate of your son’s life will no longer be in your hands. The Senate has deemed him irredeemable of the crimes he committed. No punishment other than death will be fitting.”

Leia didn’t flinch and she nodded in agreement.

Rey’s heart sank to the pit of her stomach, emotions churning and ripping her soul into pieces.

Had he taken her hand and went back to his mother, he would have died in that very room.

\------

_Ben…_

Rey knew now that her proposal to take him back to the Resistance was wrong. He has nowhere else to go but back to the First Order. She cursed and mentally slapped herself for her stupidity. The Resistance is now part of the Republic fleet. They have sealed their loyalty to that woman— _Reina_.

_I’m tied to something that will always prevent me from choosing my son._

Rey understood it now, she must.

As long as they are standing on opposite sides, Ben will have no one to choose him.

_But you are not tied to anything._

Is she not?

Here, with the Resistance, she is the galaxy’s new hero. She will be loved and adored; she will never be alone ever again.

If she tied herself here, she would have a home, a family, a purpose.

So why?

_Why am I still reaching out to you?_

She gathered the blankets closer to her chest, noticing the air has gone cold, her fingers trembled slightly. Her eyes closed and her thoughts drift to him-- his hair, his eyes, his face. This would usually push her to the brink of sleep, and she cursed herself for becoming a slave to this ritual.

Then there it was—that familiar tug.

The air suddenly stilled, the sound of the air conditioning sucked out into silence.

She took in a sharp breath when she heard that familiar hum at the back of her mind.

The Force is kind tonight.

She closed her eyes, hesitation suddenly floods her resolve. For months she wished for this moment to come; to see him, to talk to him. But she feels the guilt, sharp as a knife, strike through her soul. She offered him the wrong choice.

_So you killed Snoke but couldn’t kill Kylo Ren?_

Rey opened her eyes and there he was, standing with his back to her, somewhere in the corner of her dark room. He was motionless, in a loose dark shirt, barefoot. There was so much power in the way he stood, so much darkness, and with the bond open—so much warmth—she could feel it burn her skin. The strength of their bond flowed freely through the red string that connected their souls, alerting them of each other’s presence. She could hear him breathe, as if he were breathing from just beside her. The sound of a second heartbeat awakened in her chest. It was his.

Rey opened her mouth to speak but is halted when he slowly turned around, a surprised look on his face. Her gaze landed on his slightly parted lips, then to his hair – _it’s shorter now—_ and finally to his eyes. The dark circles were slowly fading away. He looked well rested, radiant, and so alive that it made her heart race. He looked younger and she wondered if this was a dream.

She motioned to sit on the edge of the bed to take his image in, the blankets pushed to the side and leaving her exposed. He stares at her, at the skin of her legs, the thin sleep shirt, her nipples peeking through it. Her hair was down, her guard was down. Their gazes lock and she swallowed hard, but no words came out.

She remembered one of her dreams started this way, followed by a touch of skin, his mouth on her breasts, hips meeting each other in a chase for release.

The thought of it made warmth pool at her belly. She clenched her thighs at how wet she suddenly had become at the memory of that dream.

When he took a step closer, her thoughts were put to rest, she focused on his nearing body, tilting her head up to keep their gazes locked. He stopped inches away from her. She could feel the strain on her neck but kept no mind of it.

The disappointment, the hurt, and the pain resurfaced in his gaze. It flashed in her mind the events in throne room, on Crait, the way she shut the doors of the Falcon in front of him. She felt it cut right through her as she drew in a breath at the intensity of his emotions, at the memories. A finger was tapping at the side of his leg, his nervousness creeping to his heart.

He will lash out on her, she thought. She could feel the anger building up inside him, ready to explode—

“How are you?”

He spoke first.

In the gentlest of voices, more like a whisper. No indignation, no sarcasm.

But _worry,_ there was worry in his voice!

It took her breath away, the sudden softness in his gaze, the sincerity. He looked at her like the way he did in the elevator.

_I’ll destroy her. And you. And all of it!_

He tried to stop that memory from playing in his head so she won’t see it, but it passed by his mind like the wind. And he knew she saw it too, because her eyes grew wide and her fists clenched at her sides.

The nervousness became shame and he looked away, his eyes darted left and right, behind her, at the ceiling, anywhere but her eyes.

The hurt she must have caused him was greater than she had ever imagined. She covered half of her face with her hand, bending over so he won’t see her own guilt.

Her rejection was his undoing.

The bond was too open that he could feel her guilt, could hear her thoughts and the blame she put on herself for what happened to him. How she wished she could have done differently, could have been more patient with the vision she saw of their future. He heard a faint voice inside her mind.

_You have set in motion a chain of events neither of you can escape from anymore._

He felt her reach out to that voice for comfort.

_Say something… anything…_

“Rey…”

She looked up to meet his eyes, the sound of her name from his lips awakened her senses. He looked concerned, lips in a fine line and trembling. His thoughts were a mess, but she sensed his desire to reach out to her and provide comfort.

“It’s alright. We made our choices.”

There was resignation in his voice… and regret.

She finally gathered the courage to speak, and it was an apology he could barely hear. He focused on the way her voice cracked and the tears on her eyes that threatened to fall.

“I’m sorry,” she repeated, pleaded.

He shook his head in response. “You did what you thought was right.”

She did what she thought would make her vision come true.

“And did you? Killing Snoke—did you think it was the right thing to do?” She had asked him with such firmness hoping his response would hold the same resolve.

“For you. Yes.” His response held all the resolve she wanted to hear. Her cheeks flushed, butterflies on her stomach. She knew his honesty was something else and she thanked the Force for it.

He could hear the beating of her heart, loud and erratic, as if he were pressed against her chest. His eyes left hers to travel down her chest, the thin sleep shirt made no effort to hide her now aroused nipples. The itch to touch her grew stronger with every rise and fall of her chest, as if inviting him to feel.

He had a similar dream once, it started out just like this.

Ben moved closer, the heat between simmering and hot. She was startled when, slowly, he went down on one knee, their positions now inversed. She was looking down on him with a confused look, and with an effort to keep her hands to herself.

“Why didn’t you kill me when you woke up first? You knew it was the right thing to do.”

There was no poison or disdain in his voice, just pure curiosity. He had wondered to himself why Rey didn’t take his life when she had the chance. Rejecting him was death enough, killing him would end his pain—everyone’s pain.

He expected her response to be filled with the same resolve he gave her, but what graced her face was an expression of dread at the image of his lifeless body by her own hands. He saw the image so clear in her mind, and he felt the panic and fear and _sorrow_ swallow her very soul.

“I would never—Ben, I…”

“But you thought of it. You saw yourself kill me.”

And the tears fell.

She shook her head.

“I saw myself kill you, but I knew I would never do it.” She tried to put all the resolve that’s left inside of her on that response. She pictured him dead in her arms, his blood spilled on her hands. It was painful, too painful. His chest was aching as her concern for him thread through the bond.

“I tried to make you leave everything behind. That was my mistake. For someone who has never known love, you give so much of it.” His voice was barely a whisper, he could barely say them while holding back his tears. His eyes trembled but he tried to look at her with what’s left of his resolve. “You would never give up on them, because you know what it feels like to be given up on.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, before letting the tears fall.

Her heart sank to the pit of her stomach, she couldn’t swallow that lump on her throat. There were more tears coming out from her eyes, her thoughts were a mess, words jumbled inside her head. She was thinking so fast, absorbing everything he just said.

It felt like he was saying goodbye.

_Goodbye?_

“Wha- what are you saying?” She panicked at the thought of him leaving, of him severing this connection. She would never recover. She would live her whole life carrying that emptiness only he can fill.

“We made our choices and we will die with them.”

He lifted his hand to rest on her knees. The touch of his skin was like fire, and it spread out through her whole body. She drew in a sharp breath, her eyes never leaving his. Slowly, he parted her legs, and moved between them. His hands caressed her thighs, outward then inward, slowly, painfully slow. Rey held her breath. His hands were now behind her, drawing her closer to him. He buried his face between her breasts and held her close. She could feel his breath hot on her skin and it made her dizzy.

“Ben…?”

His hands slid under her shirt and she gasped at the contact. Warm. So warm. So different than her dreams. It was better, so much better.

His hands caressed her bare back and she moaned to his touch. Instinctively, just like in her dreams, she rested her hands on his hair, treading them with her fingers and pulling him closer. She could feel the wetness of his mouth damp her shirt, could hear the racing and excitement of her own pulse.

She let him see her memory of the meeting with the Senate, how they want him and the First Order to burn in flames.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

His hands found her breasts and he swiped the nipples with his thumbs. She was taken by surprise at the pleasure it shot through her, making her shudder and whisper his name in eagerness. This was too much for her… and yet it will never be enough.

He breathed on her nipple through her shirt before mouthing her breast. His hands continue their exploration under her shirt. She was fever pitch, warm, and wet, and wanting.

“Ben…please…”

She reached for the hem of her shirt and hiked them off her, setting it on the floor. He followed her movements and removed his own. She marveled at the sight of his broad chest. He motioned for her to scoot up on bed and she complied. She could see his arousal tenting his pants.

Just like in her dreams.

He removed her last piece of clothing, her underwear. She was burning up, barely touched but aroused like never before. He hovered above her, a lover, an enemy—she wasn’t entirely sure.

_For someone who has never known love, you give so much of it._

It stings, but he was right.

He kissed her neck, down to her collarbone, between the valley of her breasts. She writhed beneath him, arching her back to feel more of his warmth. It was addicting, his touch, his breath on her skin.

She spread her legs in invitation and he responded by placing two fingers inside. She was so wet and so tight that he groaned on her shoulder. He thought about how much better it would be if she were really here with him.

“Come to me then…” she panted, as his fingers hit a sensitive spot. She clutched his hair, whispered his name on his ear. More… more of you. Her hips started to move in rhythm with his hand, urging him deeper, faster.

“Come to me, please…” she pleaded in between breathes. So close. She was so close. To the release she never reached in any of her dreams. She lifted his face to capture his lips.

And just like in her dreams, every time she attempts to kiss him… he disappears.

She gasped in surprise, her arms empty and hungry.

Rey sat up on bed and looked around to find him, but he was nowhere. Her body was still so hot and burning from his ministrations. She could still feel his kisses on her neck, she ran her hands where he touched her, hoping it would linger a little longer.

_We will die with our choices._

She gathered the blankets to her naked body, her hands clenched near the aching in her chest.

\------------------

He was still staring at the empty space on his bed where she lay wanton beneath him. Every time, every damn time he attempts to kiss her, she fades.

Her wetness on his fingers remained, her scent, her warmth.

_Come to me, please…_

His cock was throbbing and aching for release, but he found the aching in his chest more unbearable. Her voice lingered on his mind, her whispers, her breath. He pictured her naked form and took himself in his palm.

_Shit._

Tonight, this will have to do.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for the read guys. This will be a long story.


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